Jonah Naplan July 29, 2023
Bizarre and utterly rancid, Disney’s “Haunted Mansion” is simultaneously the most stacked with talent and scathingly dreadful these “feature length ads” have ever been. Not only is it poor entertainment, but it is poor judgment on so many accounts. Director Justin Simien and writer Katie Dippold, acclaimed for “Dear White People” and “The Heat” respectively, have delivered a repugnant bore of a picture, one that drags and drags until it can’t anymore and collapses with an abhorrent thud.
This is the third attempt at bringing the classic Disney Parks ride to the screen in twenty years. The first came in 2003, in the form of Eddie Murphy’s doofy “The Haunted Mansion,” a film that was at first met with unfavorable reception, but seems to have ascended to a second life in the recent years. The successor came only two years ago, à la “Muppets Haunted Mansion,” a 49 minute mini-movie on Disney+. And now we have … this motion picture.
Forget the spooky house for a second. And then maybe give it some thought after you’ve read this review, we’ll say, forty-five minutes from now. Sound extraneous? That’s because it is. “Haunted Mansion” is a fantasy movie lacking real interest in a haunted mansion. Most of its time and energy (a preposterous 122 minutes!) is wasted on forgettable characters, needless multi-century backstory, and plenty of one-note fan service, if indeed any more was ever really necessary.
A charmingly acted but poorly written Ben Matthias (LaKeith Stanfield) has been hired by priest Father Kent (Owen Wilson) to investigate the whereabouts of ghosts supposedly haunting an antique manor in New Orleans. Single mother Gabbie (Rosario Dawson) and her nine-year-old son Travis (Chase Dillon) have moved into the creepy home, and enlist the help of this team, alongside medium Harriet (Tiffany Haddish) and college professor Bruce Davis (Danny DeVito) once these ghastly ghouls bear their vicious teeth, and possess the two wherever they step foot.
The film’s own logic is immediately unclear. Characters claim that once one is as dumb as to enter the mansion, the manor’s ghosts and gremlins instantly latch on and haunt said person, whether or not they choose to remain in the house. The film gives us examples of this, but they’re not consistent with other scenes in which this detail is not depicted. In one heavily marketed schtick, Ben and Bruce seek the help of a police sketch artist, and it doesn’t appear as though they’re haunted in that scene, yet strange occurrences suggest that the former is very clearly haunted when he returns to his apartment from the mansion one night.
The rules of the trade are not the only inconsistency. “Haunted Mansion” bounces back and forth between tedious dialogue exchanges and uninspired “scary” sequences that would taste like old cardboard if they were edible. It’s an odd mix of visual overload followed by the exact opposite. This is a painfully boring movie. Even when it devolves into action, none of it excites. Not only are we checking our watches (I did so five separate times), but we are moaning and groaning through what could have been so much more.
“Haunted Mansion” flaunts a terrific lineup of both promising newcomers and oldies but goodies. In a dispiriting turn, Jamie Lee Curtis portrays Madame Leota, the epochal lady in the crystal ball. Daniel Levy inhabits a criminally underutilized cameo, as does Winona Ryder. The “Haunted Mansion” idea itself feels as though it’s popping in for a brief hello before handing the real credibility over to the typical, product-meets-movie checklist that the filmmakers follow in stride. The spooky setting plays more like a ret-con than an atmosphere, and the movie’s insane consumerism becomes insufferable at a certain point.
No part of this “Haunted Mansion” movie feels Haunted Mansion-y. Sure, the trademark tetrad is ushered into the score more than multiple times, but beyond that, it doesn’t feel as though any aspect of the filmmaking is touching on the spirit of the beloved ride. It’s a dully written haunted house flick that slaps a familiar IP onto its header in an effort to cover all its bases.
Some of the imagery from the ride itself is used here with no shame, but none of it feels sincere. Jared Leto’s Hatbox Ghost, with the same sunken eyes and devilish grin, pales in comparison to how he is utilized. Supposedly the anomaly terrorizing this home, even his presence doesn’t make the mansion feel lived-in. You never believe that this house is occupied—whether by people, ghosts, or anything. The Haunted Mansion is a series of dimly lit corridors, dining rooms and sitting areas, but it never quite reaches the unsettling atmosphere it aspires.
Maybe it’s that Justin Simien’s eye for filmmaking has been too stamped out and manufactured to be noticed, or maybe it’s that the actors have thrown in the towel and are not giving it their all for this type of low-brow entertainment. It could be both. Neither possibility is commendable. Talent is talent, and that won’t change. But just because your project has talent, doesn’t mean it’s deserving of it, nor will it be used competently.
“Haunted Mansion” may just be the biggest bore of the summer—a movie that hits exceptionally low marks for the average cinephile and probably for eccentric Disney adults too. There’s no vision here, no creativity, just dead air. While it is not the absolute worst thing in the world, it is also nauseating. But of course, we return back to the notion that film is subjective, and even movies such as “Haunted Mansion” have their fans:
Kristen Lopez from TheWrap writes that “Haunted Mansion” is “Inventive fun for every member of the family.”
No.
Now playing in theaters.