The 355

By Jonah Naplan

January 7, 2022

Universal’s new picture, “The 355” is exactly the type of film that my grandma would hate, and my dad would sleep through. My grandma would find it to be needlessly violent, in your face, and unpleasant, while my dad would start to doze off at the non-engaging story, the one-dimensional characters, and the bland plotlines that we’ve seen done better many times before. Even as I write this review, a couple of hours after seeing the film, its scenes and plot structure are already starting to slowly float away from my memories… See, “The 355” is a self-proclaimed “January Movie.” That phrase always gets thrown around at this time of year, but I feel as if many misunderstand its true meaning.

To me, the phrase “January Movie” refers to a film so demeaning to a studio, that all they want to do is just get it off their back. So they often just stick the darn thing in the first month of the year. Except “The 355” was an even bigger “oomph,” with the fact that its delays were mostly due to the pandemic. This means that the studio execs over at Universal now had freedom to release their movie whenever they wanted in the next two or so years. But, with clearly no faith in this by-the-numbers, lackluster action movie, they decided to go with the first weekend in January. And if I can offer some film critic advice, that’s not a positive sign that a movie will be good!

“The 355” is by no means a terrible film, and I doubt it will even be remembered as one of the worst movies of 2022. It’s merely a throwaway action flick, that has mildly amusing entertainment value. Sure, guns go “pew-pew,” buildings go “boom,” and there’s a frozen seafood fight between two characters. But none of it is nearly as fun as it sounds. The majority of “The 355” is a bland mess of action sequences and forgettable characters, definitely not to mention Bingbing Fan, who is in the movie far less than the marketing may have suggested.

The performances from the leading women are surprisingly sufficient, but it’s obvious that Jessica Chastain and her crew struggled to work with what they had, given that many of the characters in the film are unlikeable and sparely written. However, I would say that a minor saving grace comes from Penelope Cruz, a character who gets the most grounded backstory than anyone. Her character has a family that she cares more about than anything else. In one of the film’s few enticing scenes, she breaks down in an emotional wreck desperately begging for the lives of her children.

It’s scenes like these that represent the humanly-lead story that “The 355” could have been. Had the movie focussed more on the backstories of the powerful women at its core, we would definitely have a better understanding of why this film had a need to get made. Without much care about the characters, and more focus on the numbing, repetitive violence, we wonder why we don’t just watch a “Bourne” or even a “Charlie’s Angels” movie instead. There’s really nothing that differentiates “The 355” from other generic action movies.

One scene in the film features the five-I mean-four women sitting around a table at a bar, discussing past events in their lives. Mace, (Jessica Chastain) begins talking about her previous experiences with being a war veteran, and slowly we begin to learn a little bit more about each individual character. This is a nice scene, because it really is the one and only time where the film pauses for a moment to let the audience view the characters from a more personal standpoint. Of course, this scene is followed by more shaky cam and quick-cut-filmed action, but at least one well-rounded and dialogue-centered scene was good for a change.

“The 355” really had the potential to have been many things. A female-empowering action movie. No, the characters are unlikeable. An unforgettable, jaw-dropping action blockbuster. No, the action sequences are choppy. And a star vehicle for Sebastian Stan. No, his character is written extremely messily, and we can’t really tell if he truly ends up dying at the end. (In addition, he dies twice throughout the course of the movie).

The ending of “The 355” almost felt like it was setting up a sequel, but I really hope I’m wrong. There’s nothing that twenty-first century pop culture needs less of, than cash grabs. Like Khadijah (Lupita Nyong’o) states in the middle of the movie, “James Bond always ends up alone.” I hope this movie does too; a possible upcoming franchise sounds like a tedious threat.